Epilepsy

It's Okay To Cry

“Let your tears come.  Let them water your soul.” ~Eileen Mayhew

I remember the moment like it were just around the corner yesterday. I lie in the emergency room of the hospital with a neck brace strapped around me (standard precaution), so confused as to what had happened earlier in the morning of December 11th 2008. Paramedics had told me that I suffered a seizure behind the wheel and crashed my car. Panic and fear swirled within me as I lie there in that bed. Alone. My mother and husband had been called and they were on their way. Minutes seemed like decades lying there. I had so much time to think. “What does this mean?” “What will happen to me?” “Is my life over?” One by one slow and steady tears rolled down my face and silently I cried and prayed for God to help me. When my mom walked through the door and saw the condition that I was in, she was overwhelmed with motherly love and compassion. I felt 2 years old again rather than 22 and I wished mom could just take me home and make all of the bad go away. When Chris walked through the door soon after, time melted into a slow motion. My eyes could no longer hold back the flood gates and tears showered down my face and I sobbed as he rushed to my side. What had happened, the neck brace around me, the ‘What if’s’ of our future just as it had begun, having only been married 4 months, overwhelmed me greatly and I couldn’t contain the emotional heartache I was feeling for both he and I. However, how grateful I was to not be alone in that room any longer. I prepared for a great journey that lie in wait for me.

Being informed that I had Epilepsy and that it would be with me most likely the duration of my life indeed caused me to cry. I cried for a multitude of reasons. I cried out of fear, confusion, anger even. Yet, I chose not to allow it to control my joy and zest for life. I decided to learn about my lifelong travel companion, Epilepsy. And not only that, but to tell the world about this Epilepsy character. To the other 65 million men women and children like me and their families, and those who have no clue of the condition that can introduce itself into the lives of anyone anywhere at anytime. I made it my mission. My lifelong mission. My Epilepsy journey overtime began to strengthen me. Strengthen my bravery, courage, hope and faith. My relationship with God blossomed like a flower overjoyed to greet the sunlight. No, I never found myself angry with him. I knew He had a plan for me that I would understand with time and I trust and believe in His plan, whatever his plan may be. This journey strengthened me to be stronger and braver than I ever knew possible. I had decided to want to be a voice on behalf of Epilepsy Awareness and created a network to be that voice and to give others a voice as well. To educate. To advocate. To embark on a mission to seek out a cure. In the beginning of discovering my bravery and voice, I felt slightly like Moses when he said to God “Who am I to….?” Thinking to myself, I am but an average woman. Not famous or rich. Not popular or well known. Who am I to want to climb a pillar and declare to be a voice for Epilepsy Awareness? But just as God said to Moses soon after, I felt God saying “I will be with you.” and fear stood aside revealing a brighter bolder journey that lie in wait for me to trek.

Epilepsy Awareness needed a voice, many voices, and I decided to be an advocate with God at my side. I have been blessed to meet so many phenomenal friends along this journey for better understanding of Epilepsy and the breaking of stigmas that still surround it. Friends, you know who you are. How thankful I am for your friendship. With friends along the way, increasing knowledge of the condition we all live with, it continually renews my strength and determination to journey on.

Every now and then, even 14 pills of epilepsy medication deep, a seizure will knock me down along the journey. Sometimes, I brush myself off with a smile and continue on. Sometimes, yes even 5 years later, I need a moment or two for a cry. Allowing myself to shed tears, not of defeat, but of emotional and spiritual exhaustion. I am not ashamed of that and no one should. The journey of Epilepsy is a long and mighty journey that tests you in a multitude of ways. Always remember to take those moments when you need them but don’t find comfort in the storm that is Epilepsy in our lives. Dry your eyes and keep on going. Know that you are not alone in this journey. Need to cry alone for a moment? Cry. Need a shoulder to cry on? You’ve got many. Need someone to cry with? We will certainly cry together and march on. It’s okay to cry. Just never choose to give up. Stand up. Fight on!

“Let your tears come.  Let them water your soul.” ~Eileen Mayhew

 

I am a happily-ever-after wife, an Epilepsy Diagnosee, Advocate for Epilepsy Awareness (The Epilepsy Network), life lover & Christ inspired! Life is a journey and I'm loving every moment of it. Even the bumps in the road!

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