“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalm 139: 16
For the first time since leaving the hospital, I had met with my new neurologist to speak about my current health and to map out the plan forward. This was the first time he would see me. Fully conscious, alert and aware. Walking into the Neurology Center, I was both excited and nervous. Excited knowing that this center was devoted specifically to conditions such as mine. Nervous unknowing what knowledge and information that my neurologist might have that I may not know about. In speaking with my neurologist, he was delighted to see my recovery, despite two additional seizures prior to this very visit. A million questions swirled within my mind, however knowing that this visit limited me to so little time. One question, though the idea of the answer frightened me to the core, I asked him “Could I be a candidate for surgery?” Yet, the answer for me is a highly suggested “No.” My neurologist would grant my request to seek the referrals, however in my particular situation, it would only make matters worse. “Doctor?” I asked… “Has this Cavernous Angioma always been with me?” And astonishingly enough, the answer to this question was “Most likely yes.” A very high likelihood that I have had this Angioma since birth. It waited 16 years before introducing itself into my life, and another 7 before it reappeared to stay for good.
A sort of warm-cold sensation washed over me as I settled back onto the hospital bed, sort of difficult to explain. A sensation of coming to terms, acceptance and somehow feeling God telling you that “It’s all going to be alright.” In a flash, I envisioned many memories throughout my lifetime before my diagnosis. As if, that of a flipbook. I never knew what was lying in wait, but God knew all along. In the beginning of it all, I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to handle the weight of the condition but God knew that I was going to become strong. He knew.
I found myself wanting so very much to have just five minutes to speak with The Lord. To speak with him about all of this. I felt it in my heart. I felt it in my soul. As if a light had been turned on and the answer were perched on a shelf before me. No, having epilepsy is of course not ideal. However, God saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in His book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. He knew of these days. He knows of these days and the days ahead however many that may be. What I take from this is that, this Epilepsy… this condition… It is the way it was always supposed to be since the beginning of my time here on Earth. It is my Moirai. It is my destiny. In knowing this, the ever so slight hollowness that I felt within me began to fill up with inner joy. No, having epilepsy is not fun. It can be painful and frustrating. Disappointing and confusing and many other negative things. But suddenly, I began to see things miraculously different. I knew that there would never again be tears of “Why?”. Sure along this journey I may cry and perhaps I might get frustrated. Its not an easy road to venture! But God sees a strength and a determination within me and he’s seen it all along. He sees it within you too!
Whatever challenges you’re facing right now, look at them directly. Know in your heart that, just as the verse I posted above, God saw you before you were born. Every day of your life was recorded in His book and He believes in you. He believes in your strength and perseverance to rise above and leave whatever is attempting to hold you back, in the dust. If you’ve been in a position where you’ve asked yourself and/or asked God “Why? Why me?” Stop. Stop, because the bottom line is, this is the way it was always meant to be. The question is, what are you going to do about it now? Rise above stronger or crumble like ashes?
In knowing that this Cavernous Angioma had been with me the entire duration of my life, only to make its official debut 16 years into life, it opens my eyes in a big way and challenges me to look at life through more careful and delicate of lenses. It challenges me to embrace God on a much deeper of a level. To love friends, family and thy neighbor with more compassion than ever before. To listen more and not auditory. Listen with your heart and listen with your soul. Oftentimes, I wonder if I could’ve known about my Cavernous Angioma anytime sooner but I dismiss this notion because I know God had decided the right time that it needed to be revealed into my life. Perhaps he was allowing me the years to grow up, make mistakes and learn from them a little bit.
Whatever happens in this life, for the good or for the bad, I’ve decided to look upon them and reflect upon them as study guides for my life and how I can turn around to use what I’ve learned for the greater good for someone else. My Moirai…my walk with God, my epilepsy, my advocacy, and much more. The way it’s always been. And I smile because that is okay to me. A life where I can serve my Heavenly Father, advocate for a cause that I live and that is near and dear to my heart that affects millions of people around the world…Change the way people understand this condition hopefully for the better…And at the end of the day, sit back and enjoy all that God has created in this beautiful world with wonderful family and wonderful friends.
It’s a beautiful life. I wouldn’t change a thing.